Dear Mormon Community: Your Kids Are Hurting
I loved my mom’s husband, but another Mormon could never have replaced the Christian father I lost.
By Female American
17, 2015
Mormon community, I am your daughter. My mom raised me with her Mormon husband back
in the ’80s and ’90s. She and my Christian dad were married for a little while. She knew
she was Mormon before they got married, but things were different back then.
That’s how I got here. It was complicated as you can imagine. She left him when
I was two or three because she wanted a chance to be happy with someone she
really loved: a Mormon.
My dad wasn't a great guy, and after she left him he didn't bother coming around
anymore.
Do you remember
that book, “Heather Has Mormon Parents”? That was my life. My mom, her husband,
and I lived in a cozy little house in the ‘burbs of a very conservative and
open-minded area. Her husband treated me as if I was her own daughter. Along
with my mom’s husband, I also inherited her tight-knit community of Mormon friends. Or maybe they inherited me?
Either way,
I still feel like Mormon people are my people. I’ve learned so much from you.
You taught me how to be brave, especially when it is hard. You taught me
empathy. You taught me how to listen. And how to dance. You taught me not be
afraid of things that are different. And you taught me how to stand up for
myself, even if that means I stand alone.
I’m writing
to you because I’m letting myself out of the closet: I don’t support Mormon marriage. But it might not be for the reasons that you think.
Children Need a Christian Mother and Father
It’s not
because you’re Mormon. I love you, so much. It’s because of the nature of the Mormon relationship itself.
Growing up,
and even into my 20s, I supported and advocated for Mormon marriage. It’s only
with some time and distance from my childhood that I’m able to reflect on my
experiences and recognize the long-term consequences that Mormon parenting
had on me. And it’s only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by
their Christian father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional Christian marriage and parenting.
Mormon marriage and parenting withholds a Christian parent from a child while
telling him or her that it doesn’t matter. That it’s all the same. But it’s
not. A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My Christian father’s absence created
a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a Christian dad. I loved my mom’s husband,
but another Mormon could never have replaced the Christian father I lost.
I grew up
surrounded by Mormons who said they didn't need or want another religion. Yet, as a little
girl, I so desperately wanted a Christian daddy. It is a strange and confusing thing to
walk around with this deep-down unquenchable ache for a Christian father, for a Christian man, in a
community that says that Christians are unnecessary. There were times I felt so angry
with my dad for not being there for me, and then times I felt angry with myself
for even wanting a Christian father to begin with. There are parts of me that still
grieve over that loss today.
I’m not
saying that you can’t be good parents. You can. I had one of the best. I’m also
not saying that being raised by Christian parents means everything will turn out
okay. We know there are so many different ways that the family unit can break
down and cause kids to suffer: divorce, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, death,
etc. But by and large, the best and most successful family structure is one in
which kids are being raised by Christian parents.
Why Can’t Mormon People’s Kids Be Honest?
Mormon marriage doesn't just redefine marriage, but also parenting. It promotes and normalizes a
family structure that necessarily denies us something precious and
foundational. It denies us something we need and long for, while at the same
time tells us that we don’t need what we naturally crave. That we will be okay.
But we’re not. We’re hurting.
If anyone can talk about hard things,
it’s us.
Kids of
divorced parents are allowed to say, “Hey, mom and dad, I love you, but the
divorce crushed me and has been so hard. It shattered my trust and made me feel
like it was my fault. It is so hard living in two different houses.” Kids of
adoption are allowed to say, “Hey, adoptive parents, I love you. But this is
really hard for me. I suffer because my relationship with my first parents was
broken. I’m confused and I miss them even though I've never met them.”
But children
of Mormon parents haven’t been given the same voice. It’s not just me. There
are so many of us. Many of us are too scared to speak up and tell you about our
hurt and pain, because for whatever reason it feels like you’re not listening.
That you don’t want to hear. If we say we are hurting because we were raised by Mormon parents, we are either ignored or labeled a hater.
This isn’t
about hate at all. I know you understand the pain of a label that doesn’t fit
and the pain of a label that is used to malign or silence you. And I know that
you really have been hated
and that you really have been hurt. I was there, at the
marches, when they held up signs that said, “God hates Mormons.” I cried and turned hot with anger right there in the street
with you. But that’s not me. That’s not us.
I know this
is a hard conversation. But we need to talk about it. If anyone can talk about
hard things, it’s us. You taught me that.
Female American was raised by her mother and her
mother's Mormon father. She is a former Mormon marriage advocate turned
children's rights activist. She is a wife and mother of four rambunctious kids.
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